Helping Kids Make Friends

My kid has trouble making friends.

The pandemic ruined our social skills.

We’ve heard these worries from many parents. And in a world where feelings of isolation are increasing, it can be worrisome! Friends – and even acquaintances - are important to our mental health. They increase feelings of happiness. Friends buffer against those feelings of loneliness and social isolation, which are associated with an increased risk of depression.

Teaching your child social skills may help them make friends more easily. It’s a skill that they’ll use their entire lives - throughout childhood, the teenage years and adulthood.

To help your child build friendship skills:

Model good habits

Let your child see you talking and laughing with your own friends and explain how your friendships started and grew. When you meet new people, let your child see you interact with them, and explain what you’re doing.

• Teach them how to ask someone questions and listen to their answers.
• Discuss when and how to share some personal details - but not overshare.
• Encourage them to find common interests, such as activities or sports, that may lead to friendship.

Coach your child.

We know for some children (and even adults!), making friends can be challenging. You can’t make friends for your child, but you can coach them on skills to help make friends:

• Teach them how to introduce themselves to new friends.
• Help them practice through role play chatting with people they’ve just met.
• Explain the importance of paying attention to others, because friends like good listeners.
• Ask them what they find hard about making friends, so you can help them practice those skills.

Practice with familiar people first.

After you coach your child, put their new skills to work.

• Consider role-playing or trying their new abilities on relatives or other trusted adults.
• As they gain confidence, consider having them try it out with others that they see often but may not know well.

Provide opportunities for social interactions.

Kids can meet potential friends at numerous locations: on a sports team, at clubs, at the library or in community parks.

• Go to the same location regularly so your child can interact with the same children.
• One-on-one playdates are also a great way to spend quality time with potential friends.

Highlight what makes a good friend.

Ask your child what qualities they would seek in a friend and teach them about the ways they can be a good friend. These could include:

• Good listener
• Kind
• Supportive
• Inclusive
• Dependable
• Trustworthy
• Fun to be around
• Someone who shares similar interests

Teach them about unhealthy friendships.

Sometimes friend dynamics are not good or healthy. If your child has a friend who’s mean or inconsiderate, help them to think through that relationship. How they will know someone is not a good friend? They might want to watch for:

• Lying
• Frequent teasing or putting someone down
• Using offensive or hurtful language
• Engaging in bullying behaviors
• Pushes you to do things you don't want to do
• Putting down their interests and what they enjoy 

Discuss conflict resolution

Conflict arises in even the closest friendships. If your child’s friend plays a game with different rules, it may cause an argument. When teens have a crush on the same person, that can lead to jealousy or anger. Help your child understand how to resolve conflicts in age-appropriate ways:

• Talking about conflict is often the first step. Bring up how you can approach it with your friend.
• Talk about solutions to the problem, such as sharing, taking turns, compromising or finding creative solutions to tricky problems. For older kids, encourage them to talk to their friends about how they are feeling.
• Explain how you and a friend overcame conflict.

For Older Kids

As they get better at making friends, you can have deeper conversations with them about friendship. Ask them about their values, what they are looking for in a friend and discuss their previous experiences with having friends or challenges making friends. Not sure where to start? Download our conversation starters below.

When to Worry

If you’ve practiced and interacted regularly with potential friends over several weeks, but your child still seems isolated, you may want to talk with your child’s teacher, pediatrician or a mental health professional.

Download our Friendship Conversation Starters and Friendship Builders!