What to Do About School Avoidance

If your child regularly refuses to go to school, they may have school avoidance, also known as school refusal.

What Is School Avoidance?

School avoidance is when a child often doesn’t want to go to school. It can be a sign of a learning, social or emotional issue. Kids may complain about school, worry about it or it may show up as a headache or stomachache.

School avoidance can be a symptom of a mental health concern, such as an anxiety disorder, depression, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or undiagnosed learning disabilities. In some cases, school avoidance can be a result of bullying.

Who Is Affected by School Avoidance?

As many as 28% of children experience school avoidance. It’s most common among 10 to 13 year olds and children transitioning to different schools. Attendance problems may begin at the start of the school year, following winter break or after an illness or planned absence.

Signs of School Avoidance

• Complaining, being reluctant and asking questions like “Do I have to?”
• Regularly requesting “mental health days” or complaining they are sick
• Throwing tantrums or losing things so they can’t leave the house
• Refusing to get out of the car at school or initially missing the bus
• Frequently visiting the school nurse, asking to be sent home
• Avoiding class while at school - roaming halls or hiding in the bathroom

School Avoidance in Younger Children vs. Teens

• Younger children may want to stay home because of “mean” teachers, difficult social dynamics at lunch or on the playground or loud noises, like the school bell.
• Teens may avoid school due to peer pressure, academics like a mandatory class presentation. They may also show avoidance if they miss multiple days of school due to being sick and fall behind on work.

If you suspect school avoidance, look for patterns:

• Does your child only develop stomachaches on weekdays?
• Do they talk about hating school?
• Are they missing more and more days?
• Does your child visit the nurse often or avoid certain academic subjects, such as math or unstructured times such as recess?

Have their pediatrician rule out health problems, then talk to your child’s teacher.

How to Help

Although we want to protect our children from difficult emotions, we know allowing kids to stay home causes anxiety to increase. Try these:

• Check-in. Ask your child why they won’t go to school. Remember to listen and validate their feelings. Notice any anxious thoughts that may not be accurate and help them challenge those thoughts. Anxiety often comes from our thoughts telling us the worst may happen.
• Set expectations. Although you want to validate their feelings, you also want to calmly tell your child that you expect them to attend school. Discuss what the school day will look like and problem-solve any concerns they have. Create a positive morning routine together. Routines help decrease worries because they know what to expect every day.
• Practice and prepare. Exposing kids to what they fear helps them feel less nervous and more confident in the long run. Practice getting ready the week before school starts or a day or two before the end of an extended holiday. Visit a new school during the summer. Roleplay having conversations with peers. Practice the big presentation they’re nervous about.
• Create a coping plan. Because you are encouraging your child to do something they’re nervous about, it’s important you also teach them tools to cope with their emotions in the moment. Practice daily belly breathing, grounding exercises, and distraction techniques.
• Find a support person. Ask a trusted teacher to meet your child at drop off, discouraging parking lot refusals.
• Work with the school. Share any impairment this is causing your child with their school to see if they meet criteria for a 504 plan. A 504 plan can encourage a child to get back to school by providing breaks, private space for test-taking or other accommodations.
• Offer praise. Praise your child’s bravery and talk about what went well and what they are proud of.

When to Seek Help

If the situation worsens (for example, your child refuses to leave their home or the car in the parking lot) or continues for multiple days in a row, a therapist may help. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may help decrease anxiety and increase school attendance. Therapy may help your child understand they’re able to do things that make them anxious, and facing their fears will increase confidence over time.