Building Self-Esteem Helps Your Child’s Mental Health

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is how children view themselves and their own abilities. It’s an important part of mental health.

Children with high self-esteem believe in their abilities, skills, accomplishments and self-worth.

Children with low self-esteem think they aren’t good enough and have negative thoughts and opinions about themselves. They are more likely to experience depression or anxiety.

The good news is that you can help children build self-esteem from a young age.

What can get in the way of healthy self-esteem?

• Bullying and social exclusion. When kids feel like they don’t fit in or are being singled out, this can harm their self-esteem.
• Pressure from adults. When a child feels compared to others (whether it’s a sibling, classmate or teammate) or hears comments about their looks or performance, it can lower their feelings of value.
• Limited decisions. From a young age, kids should be offered choices, even which shirt to wear. Decision-making helps them build confidence.
• Gender differences. Boys typically have higher self-esteem than girls due to ingrained social norms. For example, boys often hear how they’re good at science and math while girls are often discouraged from STEM subjects at a young age.
• Too much help. When adults take over - friendship building, sports or other play, with school projects - it lowers the child’s sense of accomplishment and independence.
• Negative attention at school. Some teachers over-discipline kids with special needs or diverse backgrounds, even if they’re trying their hardest. Over time, they start believing that they’re no good.
• Social media. Everyone’s positive posts can make teens think that their life is worse, in comparison.

How can I help my child build self-esteem?

Early Childhood:

• Give them lots of praise: Talk out loud about the things that you see them doing. Encourage them when you see them trying something for the first time and cheer when they accomplish it.
• Encourage them to do things for themselves: Sure, you can get their shoes on them faster than they can but allowing them to do it gives them a sense of purpose and accomplishment.
• Give them tasks to do/role to fulfil: Letting young kids “help” you wash dishes or roll out cookie dough is actually a great way to build their sense of self-worth.
• Help them feel seen. If your children are diverse and they spend time in places that aren’t as diverse, make sure they can see themselves represented there in a positive way.

Elementary years:

• Praise the process, not results. Instead of being proud that your child got a perfect score on their test, recognize their efforts. Say that you’re proud that they study so hard.
• Encourage healthy friendships. When you help kids make and keep friends, even through conflict, you are boosting their self-esteem.
• Learn thought challenging. If a child says something like, “I’ll never learn how to…” ask them gently if that’s true. Point out other things that they struggled to learn but did eventually learn to do.
• Teach self-praise. Model this behavior: “I cooked a tasty meal.” “I’m strong.” Give your child positive words to help them feel good: “I’m loved.” “I can do hard things.”

Tweens and Teens:

• Encourage journaling. Writing about positive things in their life should help your child feel more confident. Offer journal prompts like: What did I like about my day? What do I appreciate about myself? What am I excited about?
• Discuss the danger of comparisons. It’s very common for kids to increasingly compare themselves to others. Discuss how you avoid comparing yourself to others and recognize that everyone has areas that they’re stronger at and areas that they can improve. Consider reading about or watching shows about people that they respect who had to overcome obstacles.
• Check in on friendships and social media use. It’s normal for friendships to change as kids grow but does your teen still feel like they have good friends? If not, are there clubs, sports or other organizations that they can get involved in? Ask them regularly about their habits online and how it makes them feel. Encourage teens to set boundaries with friends and social media. You may need to encourage social media breaks if you notice a change in self-confidence.

What are signs my child has low self-esteem?

Notice the way your child describes themselves. Young children are vocal about their feelings. They might say, “Everyone thinks I’m bad.” “No one likes me.” Older kids may label themselves as weird, dumb or ugly. They may deflect compliments.

Have your child’s social habits changed? Some children with low self-esteem isolate themselves or don’t want others to notice them. They might wear their hoodie up, refuse to be in photos or hide their face in group photos.

When should I seek professional help?

Low self-esteem can accompany depression. Seek therapy if your child:

• Speaks negatively about themselves most days
• Can’t follow their usual routine (getting out of bed, showering, going to school) for two weeks or more
• Loses interest in things and isolates themselves.
• Self-harms or has suicidal thoughts

You can help the children in your life build self-esteem. By making a habit of praising their efforts, encouraging positive self-talk and allowing them to do more and more things for themselves you’re helping them get started on a positive path.

Book Recommendations

We like the following books for young or elementary-aged children:

Our Diversity Makes Us Stronger by Elizabeth Cole

I Like Myself by Karen Beaumont

Confidence is my Superpower by Alicia Ortego

I Am Enough by Grace Byers

My Magical Words by Becky Cummings

I Like You: An Encouraging Bedtime Book by Kate Allan