Coaching Kids Through Friendship Conflict

Sooner or later, every child learns that friendship isn’t all about laughing and playing together. Friendship also can involve disagreements and hurt feelings. Learning to manage disagreements and conflicts with friends can be beneficial for mental health as it fosters better communication skills, increases confidence and can help strengthen relationships.

Is the Friendship Over? 

Kids may think that a friendship is over if their friend hurts their feelings one time, wants to hang out with or play with someone else or refuses to share. When these conflicts happen, explain to your child that conflicts are common between friends, but it doesn’t mean the friendship has to end. Teach them how to communicate with other kids, understand where the other person is coming from, and how to compromise when there’s disagreement about sharing, rules of a game, etc. Talking with your child about upsetting friendship experiences may help them cope with hurt feelings or navigate conflict more effectively.

How Can I Help?

Before any problems appear in friendship, it’s good to remind children that: 

• We can learn a lot through friendship – about ourselves, other people and all kinds of new and interesting things! Be curious about your friends and think about what you like in a friend and how to be a better friend.
• Remind them of the qualities of a good friend, like honesty and kindness.
• As interests change, friendships often do, too. Who you’re close to now may not be who you’re close to in a few years. 

When your child has hurt feelings because of interactions with friends: 

• Be a good listener. Invite your child to talk about the situation and ask questions to get to the root of the problem.
  • Be supportive and express understanding, even if you don’t agree with everything they say.
  • Don’t offer advice unless they ask for it, particularly for older children and teens. They’ll appreciate having your ear without being lectured.
• Find ways to help resolve conflicts.
  • When your young child and a friend disagree, you may need to help them resolve the situation.
  • Help them pause to see both perspectives and then ask them first what they think is the right thing to do.
  • If they are stuck, you can offer different solutions, like taking turns or agreeing to share. Help them weigh the pros and cons of various ideas.
  • When teens have disagreements, start by listening and having them try to solve it without your involvement. If they ask for help or you notice they continue to struggle, ask if they’d like help solving the problem together. 
• Help your child communicate more effectively. Sometimes, friends say hurtful things without realizing it.
  • If your child’s friend does this but is generally a good friend, let your child know that they should talk to their friend about it. Help them practice gently explaining why certain comments are hurtful. It may bring their friendship to a new level of understanding. 

• Recognize when your child is to blame. Every child has occasional bad days.
  • Younger children may refuse to share with friends. Older kids or teens may lose their temper with friends or be mean, then regret it. 
  • If your child often lashes out at friends, help them realize that they may need a pause to calm down when they’re overwhelmed by emotion so they don’t damage their friendships. 

After talking to your child, you may realize that the conflict they are experiencing with a friend is a bigger issue, which may mean this friendship might not be a good fit. It’s common for children to feel sad for days or even a few weeks when a friendship ends. Feelings of grief can pop up unexpectedly when they remember something about their friend they miss. Asking them questions, listening to their answers and validating their emotions may help.