Helping a Child Who Has Had a Sad Day

Kids have bad days—and sad days—too.

Like adults, they can have an experience—or a day—that leaves them feeling defeated.

How we approach a child having a sad day is important. We want to raise children who know that emotions are normal and that there are ways to cope with them, so they don’t get stuck.

What Sadness Looks Like in Kids

First, we must know how to notice when a child is feeling sad. Not all children will tell you they’re sad and need to talk. Sadness shows up in different ways depending on the child or their age.

• In younger kids: They may cry or frown. They may also act more defiant than usual because kids often show their emotions through behaviors. Some young children are good at naming emotions but may not be aware of what’s causing them.

• In tweens and teenagers: Older children may experience social withdrawal. This age group may also be more irritable and angrier when feeling sad. In contrast to younger kids, older children are more likely to know what is causing their feelings but are unsure of how to cope with them.

3 Keys to Helping Children with Sadness

If you notice your child is having a sad day, here is where to start:

1. Normalize Difficult Emotions

It’s important to let children know, from a young age, that feeling sad from time to time is normal. You can let children know emotions are normal by validating their emotional responses by saying, “I can tell you are feeling sad about being left out from your friend group; you were really looking forward to spending time with them.” You can also model expressing your own emotions in an age-appropriate way. When kids see that everyone experiences sadness from time to time and how they cope with it, it can help them understand it’s normal.

Showing them love and acceptance in their sadness may make it more likely that they’ll turn to you when things are tough. Giving them a support system may prevent future mental health concerns.

2. Talk About the Sadness

 One of the best ways to help a child with a sad day is to offer to speak with them about it.

Here are ideas to get you started:

• Choose the right venue. Sitting down to have a “talk” may not always be the best way to connect with certain children. You may need to bring it up more casually, such as when you’re doing an activity together or riding in the car.
• Ask open-ended questions.These types of questions give your child a chance to respond and share their feelings. That’s how you get to know their perspective.
• Listen to their responses. This can help your child feel heard and validate the child’s feelings. Teens may want someone to listen (even if they don’t ask for that). Try taking the time to listen to understand rather than jumping right into problem-solving.
• Check in. Don’t try to force your child to talk. Just let them know you’re there if they want to talk and give them the option to open up when they’re ready. Some kids may be more likely to chat if they know you respect their timeline. If they’re not ready, ask them to pick a time to talk and be sure to express concern and willingness to listen at any time.

3. Teach Ways to Cope

In addition to normalizing sad days or times and listening and validating their emotions, it’s also important to let young people know that there are tools that can help them process sadness when they’re ready.

You may need to teach them how to use those tools.

Once you’ve given them space to feel their sadness and talk about it, you might encourage the child to get active or find a distraction.

Any activity that gets them up and going—as opposed to isolating and staying stuck in the emotion—can help them cope in a healthy way.

Sadness can also result from frequent negative thoughts. If you notice your child is expressing a lot of negative thoughts, you can help them talk back to those thoughts.

It’s important to gently guide children to find healthy ways to cope with sadness while giving them time to work through the feeling. Instead of telling them what to do, let them come up with their favorite ways to cope.

Remember, even if you don’t relate to the experience of what is making them sad, or if you have a hard time seeing your child upset, children benefit from your help teaching them how to cope as they grow.

When to Worry

No matter how much you try to help, some kids may need more support—and that’s OK.

If they’re not functioning well after a couple of weeks or so – lack of appetite, doing poorly in school, not taking care of themselves, and avoiding friends and social activities - contact your child’s pediatrician or a mental health professional.

Sadness is normal for kids and adults. When you share coping tools with children, it helps them learn to deal with emotions—a life lesson that will help them for the rest of their lives.