What if my Child Is Bullying Others?

As parents, it can be upsetting and confusing to see children intentionally hurting each other physically or emotionally. When bullying occurs, we search for simple explanations and solutions. We label the bullying behavior as “wrong” and the person who bullies as the “problem.”

Bullying:

Intentionally and repeatedly hurting someone else verbally, socially or physically.

Why Do Kids Bully Other Kids?

Bullying may look different depending on a child’s stage of development and may occur for different reasons. Younger children may show aggressive behaviors while they are still learning to control their emotions, manage conflict, and express empathy. Some bullies struggle to understand others’ emotions or lack perspective about how their victims may feel.

Children who are overly concerned with views of popularity or a desire to dominate others are more likely to demonstrate bullying behavior. On the flip side, some bullies may be isolated socially or have difficulty connecting with others.

It is important to remember that the child doing the bullying may have experienced trauma and are struggling to manage their own emotions. Kids model behavior they have seen in their environment or use bullying as self-defense if they have been a victim of aggressive behavior themselves. For example, family conflict or being bullied in the past can be contributing factors.

What Happens to Kids Who Bully Others?

While steps are often taken to support the child who was bullied which is necessary and appropriate, the bully’s behavior is typically met with anger and punishment. Far less consideration is given for needs of the child doing the bullying. However, the presence of bullying behaviors may be a sign that help is needed. Also, if we are looking to reduce how often bullying happens, then intervening in productive ways with children who are bullying is critical.

Compared to other children who are not involved in bullying, children who bully others are more likely to experience symptoms of depression and are at elevated risk for suicide. Emotional problems underlying bullying behavior can include:

• Low self-esteem
• Feelings of worthlessness or not being as good as others
• Loneliness
• Anxiety
• Stress or conflict in the home
• History of trauma or abuse

What Are the Signs I Should Look for If My Child Is Bullying Others?

• Over-concern with popularity or being “in charge” of others
• Feelings of social isolation or difficulty connecting with others socially
• Aggressive or reactive when easily frustrated
• Difficulty handling conflict with others, including blaming and “using” others
• Negative view of others
• Frequently break rules or struggle to follow rules
• Positive view of violence/aggression
• Have friends who are bullying others

What Can I Do to Help a Child Who Is Exhibiting Bullying Behavior?

• Talk with your child often and listen to what they have to say. Let them know you care about them and are there to help. Check-in regularly to increase the chances that they will share with you.
• Model and teach empathy and positive behaviors to your child, including respectful and kind actions, as well as healthy conflict resolution.
• Monitor your child’s behavior at home and with peers to provide positive reinforcement (praise and rewards) for positive social changes to behavior.

• Set clear and consistent rules about bullying and explain the consequences if those rules are broken. If your child shows aggression, respond right away in a calm but firm manner. Remember that change takes time. Be patient and realistic about progress. Most importantly, remind your child that you love them, even when they make mistakes.

• Collaborate with your school on addressing concerns you may have about bullying. They can be your allies in helping your child improve behavior and identifying concerns for emotional distress.
• If you know or suspect your child has experienced a trauma, seek mental health treatment.
• Find ways to encourage your child to build their support network and involve them in activities at school or in the community to foster connection and feeling valued.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If your child is struggling to change their behavior or demonstrating symptoms of depression or risk for suicide, reach out to a mental health professional for support. 

If you or your child need immediate help due to having suicidal thoughts, call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 or text the Crisis Text Line by texting "START" to 741-741. If there is an immediate safety concern, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.