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- Most kids will experience symptoms of inattention, impulsiveness or restlessness at various times or in certain activities.
- If these symptoms show up often, and interfere with daily routines at home, school or work they could be indicative of ADHD.
- Ways to manage ADHD in children includes therapy, medication and school support.
March 2025
Why Kids Act Out
Ariana Hoet, PhD and Whitney Raglin Bignall, PhD
Article Summary
- Identify the root cause of the child's behavior before selecting and enforcing consequences.
- Children act out to get what they want, often escalating their behavior if initial attempts fail.
- Ensure the child isn't hungry, tired, busy, thirsty, or bored, and consider if they are overwhelmed by emotions.
- Struggles with new skills can lead to frustration and acting out; consult a pediatrician or teacher if concerns persist.
Have you been struggling with a child’s behavior?
You’re not alone!
Children act out and it can be very challenging for adults to know what to do. First, you’ll want to understand where the behavior is coming from. Then you can think about selecting, communicating and enforcing consequences.
You’ll also want to make sure you’re noticing and praising their positive behavior.
Understanding Tantrums
Kids act in certain ways because they need or want something that is important to them like independence, attention, or things. But because what they need and want is controlled by a caregiver or another adult, they have to influence your behavior to get it.
So what happens when they don’t get what they want or need? They work to get you to change your mind and give in to their demands! Think of yourself as a lock.
Many times, a child’s behavior is them trying out many different “keys,” or behaviors, to try and fit the lock so that they can get what they want.
Sometimes, they start with behavior that we want, such as asking nicely or trying to wait patiently. But if they aren’t noticed, or the timing is wrong, they often will move on to bigger “keys” or behaviors.
Suddenly a child is whining, pouting or raising their voice to try and get your attention.
And if that doesn’t work, they may level up and act out in bigger ways. And that’s exhausting for everyone!
You may find yourself giving in to the whining to avoid the yelling. Or you may find yourself yelling back to try and get them to stop acting out. Disruptive behavior triggers our fight or flight response. When we establish a pattern of responding to unwanted behavior, it’s hard to break that pattern.
But you don’t have to let it get to that point. Remember, kids act the way that they do because there’s something they need or want.
Interpreting Behavior
Also remember, all kids test boundaries as part of their learning process. And at different stages, it’s natural for kids to act out, not listen, or want to do things their way.
But that doesn’t mean you have to be OK with unwanted behavior.
Realizing that pushing boundaries is part of the steps children take toward independence can help you stay calm in the moment.
Other Causes of Disruptive Behavior
When you deal with unwanted behavior, take a moment to check on other potential causes. Is the child:
- Hungry
- Tired
- Busy
- Thirsty
- Bored
It’s also possible that the behavior is coming out of big emotions that the child doesn’t know how to handle. When kids are overwhelmed by emotions, it may not be obvious. Kids don’t always wear their thoughts on their sleeves, and they don’t always have the words to express their feelings.
You may need to help them take a few deep breaths or other calming strategies. Then you can try asking some questions may help you get to the bottom of their behavior. Try our conversation starters if you’re not sure where to begin.
Developmental challenges can also be a cause of disruptive behavior. If your child is struggling to learn a new skill – whether that is tying shoes or writing in cursive, they may be frustrated with their progress and acting out. If you have concerns that developmental challenges are ongoing, talk to your pediatrician or your child’s teacher.
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- Consequences should teach and communicate, rather than punish.
- Ignoring attention-seeking or silly behavior can be effective. Address aggressive or dangerous behavior immediately.
- Follow through with stated consequences and offer praise for positive responses to reinforce good behavior.
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- Emotion regulation skills are best learned when calm.
- Coping activities include deep breathing, movement or exercise, mindfulness and meditation, listening to music and using distractions.
- Encourage children to create a calm down space filled with comforting items.
- Developing the ability to cope with strong emotions is a gradual process that requires patience and consistent practice.
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- Setting routines, ensuring the child is well-rested and nourished, and providing attention and affection may reduce challenging behaviors.
- Clearly state behavior expectations, especially before new or unusual situations.
- Focus on and reward positive behavior to encourage repetition.
- Tying rewards to positive behavior can motivate children and reinforce good habits.
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- All emotions are a normal part of life and it's good to express them.
- Children need to learn how to communicate their emotions, even those often seen as negative, like anger or sadness.
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- Encourage children to pause and reflect on their feelings.
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