How to Get More “Good” Behavior

Sometimes kids act in ways that are challenging or difficult. That doesn’t always mean there’s a problem with their mental health. But it can be hard to know how to respond in a way that’s healthy for your relationship.

The first thing we recommend is pausing to think about why the behavior is happening. We have some information you might find helpful.

Even better? Thinking of ways to prevent the unwanted behavior. Let’s talk about how noticing and rewarding positive behavior can help!

Preventing Unwanted Behavior

To avoid the more disruptive behaviors, you’ll need to be realistic. You can reduce the amount of acting out but never eliminate it entirely. Kids aren’t perfect and neither are we.

Here are a few steps you can take to reduce unwanted behavior:

• Set routines so that kids know what to expect. Having a schedule and reviewing expectations helps children’s mental health. Download a schedule to get started.
• Are they getting enough sleep? Are they eating well and drinking plenty of water? You might be surprised at how a good night’s sleep and healthy meal can improve a child’s behavior.
• Make sure your child is getting your attention and affection. Kids need to know that they are cared for. So pass out those hugs and high fives!

If you’re seeing behavior you don’t care for, run through the points above first to see if any of these basics need to be addressed.

And ask yourself – have I given in to this difficult behavior in the past? If you have responded to their melt downs in the past, they may go back to that “key” first, because they know that it works to get your attention. If that’s the case, you will likely have to ignore or provide consequences to that behavior before you see consistent change.

Be Clear About What You Expect

Talking about expectations can be especially helpful before a new or unusual situation, such as having a visitor over. Getting specific ahead of time about how you’d like your child to behave gives them a greater chance for success. For example, “When your new friend comes over, I’d like you to share your toys with him.”

You’ll set the stage for positive behavior and address any feelings of nervousness they may have.

Zoom in on Positive Behavior

Focus on behaviors you want to see so that you can offer more praise for those. Instead of just a “good job,” try giving specific feedback like, “It’s great that you’re putting away your school stuff when you get home.” Attention and praise motivates kids to do that behavior again.

It may feel hard to notice positive behavior at first – because it’s often when a child is being quiet or polite – and it’s not as noticeable as challenging behavior. But taking the time to tune in to that positive behavior and noticing it out loud to the child can really make a difference.

Here are a few examples:

• “I like how you invited your brother to play that game with you!”
• “Thank you for waiting for me to finish my phone call before asking me for a snack.”
• “I see that you’ve been working on your homework without me reminding you. Way to go!”

It takes about five positive comments to balance out one negative one when it comes to keeping a healthy relationship with your child. So, you’re going to need to notice and praise a lot! The good news is that your attention is one of the best gifts that you can give to children. They want to be helpful and do well. Letting them know that they’re on the right track is really helpful.

Rewarding Positive Behavior

There are two types of rewards:

• Giving a child something they like – toy, game, time at the playground
• Taking away something the child doesn’t like – homework, chores

Think about what you’re already giving away and see if you can instead tie it to positive behavior.

• If you get your clothes out for tomorrow, you can pick the game we play tonight.
• Once your homework is done, you can have 30 minutes of screen time.

You can even break rewards down into smaller pieces:

• Play on your own while I finish the grocery list, then you can pick out the songs that we listen to on our way to the store.
• If you can get ready for bed without help tonight, you can stay up an extra 10 minutes.

No child is going to behave well all of the time, but you can encourage more positive behavior. And taking the time to notice that behavior and praise it, may mean an increase of it in your house or classroom. That has mental health benefits for you and for the children in your life!