4 Ways to Encourage a Child Who Is Hard on Themselves

Some children are happy with how they do in school, on the playing field, or how they get along with their friends, teachers, or parents.

Others may beat themselves up, sure they always make mistakes or should be doing better than they are. 

Being self-critical (hard on yourself) isn’t a problem if it does not happen all the time. Children who notice ways that they can improve in some areas of life are able to motivate themselves to succeed or master new skills. The problem happens when children who are too self-critical and want to be perfect. They may have a harder time noticing their strengths or successes, leading to trouble enjoying life and lower self-esteem.

Your child’s behaviors and ways of thinking are shaped by genetics, their experiences, and their environment. With your help and practice, they can learn how to talk back to critical thoughts and focus on their strengths.

Here are four ways to encourage a child who is hard on themselves: 

1. Notice the positive.

Children who are self-critical may tend to focus on their mistakes or how far they are from accomplishing their goal.

• Take time daily with your child to pause and think about the good things they’ve accomplished. Use our conversation starters to help.
• Ask them what they feel proud about from that day, and how they think they’ve made progress towards their goals. This allows them to give themselves credit for their hard work and feel proud of themselves!

2. No one is perfect.

When your child has a setback or things don’t go as planned, they may be really hard on themselves.

• Help them learn from the mistakes and understand that everyone makes mistakes. Share your own stories of times you failed and what you did to learn, try again and succeed.
• Come up with examples together of role models in your child’s life and times they may have faced setbacks and used them to grow. Let them know you are there for them. Come up with a plan together of what they can do in response to their obstacle.

3. Encourage rest.

Self-critical children may aim for perfection and work at something without giving themselves breaks.

• Talk to your child how this can lead to burnout. Tell them they will do better if they take care of themselves physically and mentally.
• Encourage them to set limits. For example, set a number of hours they will practice or work on an assignment a day. Then they can take the rest of the day to do fun activities to recharge.

4. Set realistic goals.

When we have big goals, it can be hard to notice our progress, especially for self-critical children.

• Help them break down their bigger goals into smaller steps they need to take to accomplish those goals. This will help your child notice the progress they are making and also know when to take breaks. For example, if they have an essay to write, they can set the goal of writing one paragraph a day.

Starting a Conversation with a Child Who's Hard on Themselves

Use these conversation starters with kids to think about ways they may have been too critical of themselves. They can think about how their measure of success and hard work may be too difficult or how they would not expect the same from friends. Encourage them to create positive thoughts about themselves and help them feel proud of what they’ve done already.