Parent Stress Reset Webinar

00:00 – Welcome & What You’ll Learn
Overview of Kids Mental Health Foundation and goals for reducing parent stress.

02:00 – What’s Causing Parent Stress Today
Top stressors families face and why parenting feels so hard right now.

04:30 – What Stress Really Is
Understanding healthy vs. overwhelming stress.

05:45 – How Parent Stress Impacts Kids
Why your stress shapes your child’s behavior and emotional health.

07:00 – Recognizing Stress in Yourself
Physical, emotional and behavioral signs to watch for.

10:45 – Creating the Home You Want
Reflecting on how you want your home to feel.

11:45 – Identifying Family Values
How values reduce stress and guide parenting decisions.

18:00 – Making a Plan to Reduce Stress
Using your resources and setting realistic goals.

23:30 – The 3 C’s Framework
Introduction to Connection, Consistency and Consequences.

24:00 – Connection
Why attention matters and how 15 minutes a day can change behavior.

27:15 – Consistent Rules & Routines
Building structure to reduce stress and power struggles.

30:00 – Consequences
How to reinforce positive behaviors and reduce unwanted ones.

36:00 – Q&A
Real-life parenting questions and practical strategies.

51:30 – Final Takeaways
Start small, focus on what matters and create calm in your home.

Children pay close attention to their caregivers. When you’re stressed, children often respond with changes in behavior or mood. Creating calm for yourself helps create feelings of security and calm for them.

Focus on what you can control: your responses, routines and priorities. Even small changes in these areas can reduce overall stress and improve family dynamics.

Start with connection. Spending just 10-15 minutes of focused, child-led time each day can significantly improve behavior and strengthen your relationship.

Keep it simple. Choose one strategy, like a bedtime routine or one clear rule, and practice it as often as you can. Small steps build momentum over time.

Consistency helps, but perfection isn’t required. Even one calm, supportive adult can make a meaningful difference in a child’s mental health.

Transcript

00:00:40:00 - 00:00:58:18

Diane McGuire

And before we get started, I just want to tell you a little bit about the Kids Mental Health Foundation. We were created by Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, Ohio. We’re a national organization. We are dedicated to providing resources to help all grown-ups understand, address and promote mental health in kids before a crisis or a concern comes up.

00:00:58:18 - 00:01:30:01

Diane McGuire

Our organization is led by two pediatric psychologists who will be leading us today, Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall and Dr. Ariana Hoet. And I want to thank our Corporate Collective Members that made this webinar possible through their generous philanthropic support. So, thank you to them. And what we're hoping that you're going to take away from our time today,

00:01:30:02 - 00:01:57:02

Diane McGuire

I really hope that you walk away with an understanding of how parental stress impacts kids' mental health. I hope that you learn how to identify the values and priorities that your family has, and I hope that you come up with a plan for reducing some of your everyday parenting stress, which is very real. And I hope you'll be able to use the 3 Cs to manage behaviors and big emotions, building calm in your home.

00:01:57:04 - 00:02:09:22

Diane McGuire

So, let's start with what families are up against and why it is so challenging right now. Dr. Whitney, what can you tell us about that?

00:02:09:24 - 00:02:40:19

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

We know that we are all feeling stressed and having fears and feeling pressure because we all feel them. Parenting is hard right now, and with all of that, we know that we are all feeling these things because we did a recent survey where we found that 97% of parents felt stress related to parenting in the past month. And when asked what were the types of things that were causing them stress, finances came up as number one, which I don't think is surprising.

00:02:40:20 - 00:03:07:22

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

Thinking of how much things cost these days, children having them is very expensive. But then when we learned from the survey that number two and number three were child's behavior and emotional health, what they do at home impacts us and how they're managing. And so, at the end of today's presentation, we're really going to make sure we spend a little bit of time to talk a little bit about how we can have more of those behaviors we want to see.

00:03:07:24 - 00:03:31:05

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And then the last couple of things that we know parents talked about feeling stressed about was balancing time, those work and family commands, competing against one another, managing all the current world events, as well as managing social media and technology within the home and then their own mental health were causing stress.

00:03:31:07 - 00:04:15:05

Diane McGuire

All right, we've got a poll question. We would love to hear from you. What is causing you the most stress right now? So, you should see a poll popping up with the options: finances, concerns for my kids, time and work pressure, current events or your own mental health. So, feel free to pick a poll answer there. What is causing you stress right now?

00:04:15:07 - 00:04:28:05

Diane McGuire

All right, so it looks like concerns for their kids and time and work pressure are two of the top ones. Boy, I feel all those. Dr. Whitney, can you define stress for us?

00:04:28:06 - 00:04:56:21

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

Yes, because I think it's important that we get all on the same page about. We use the word "stress” a lot in today's world, but when we are talking about stress today, we're talking about stress. Meaning when you feel like your current resources that might be time or energy or support that you have are not enough to meet what you actually need to do, and we actually need a little bit of stress to get motivated to help us perform.

00:04:56:21 - 00:05:13:07

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

So, you'll see that in our chart within the green area and even within the yellow, we're at optimal stress. So, it's motivated us to get up in the morning and to go to work and to do the things that we need to do at home. The problem is when we get overloaded and we have too much stress. That's what we see exhaustion kick in.

00:05:13:08 - 00:05:28:21

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

We start seeing maybe some anxiety or anger popping up, and unfortunately, eventually if it stays too stressful for too long, we might even see things such as burnout.

00:05:28:23 - 00:05:47:24

Diane McGuire

I think we can all relate to that. There's just so many things going on. I loved what Andrea said about she could have chosen several on the list from the poll because it is overwhelming and we often put others needs in front of our own. So, let's talk about the impact of parental stress on the whole family Dr. Ariana.

00:05:48:00 - 00:06:11:16

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Yeah, absolutely. So, I am sure many of you are here today because you want to learn about how to support your kid's mental health. But as I see in the poll, another thing that is present for all of us is the pressures, whether it's from work, the outside world, whatever it is. And the reality is that as the parent, as the caretaker, you set the tone for your home.

00:06:11:16 - 00:06:29:23

Dr. Ariana Hoet

If you are not well, your child is not well. And what happens is, if you show up stressed to your home, your kids are going to respond to that. And if you're less patient, short with them, they're going to be less patient and short with you. And what ends up happening is you kind of end up in this negative cycle, right?

00:06:29:24 - 00:06:57:01

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Maybe you yell at them, now they're yelling at you. You're mad at them for behaving that way. And it's just this negative space in your home. And so what we really hope you take away from today is that you actually do have some control. There are some ways that that you can change your behavior and your stress management so that it helps your child's behavior and their mental health.

00:06:57:03 - 00:07:16:20

Dr. Ariana Hoet

So before we jump into that, let's talk a little bit about how stress shows up in adults because one of the first steps in stress management is being able to notice it. Sometimes we're so go, go, go that we don't realize that we're stressed. We don't realize that we are behaving a certain way towards our kids and our home because of that stress.

00:07:16:20 - 00:07:37:24

Dr. Ariana Hoet

So stress will be different for everyone. But we know that there are some physical symptoms like pain. I know that one of my first cues is I start feeling back pain, neck pain. When I wake up that way, I'm like, okay, something's going on. I'm feeling stressed, right? We also know sleep problems, stomach aches, low energy. Then there's also the behavioral symptoms.

00:07:37:24 - 00:08:00:21

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Your appetite may change. You may start isolating. You don't want to spend time with people. Maybe you do that teeth grinding at nighttime, or you turn to substances to cope with that stress. Then there's what I think a lot of us think about with stress, which is our mood. You may feel more irritable, angry, anxious, overwhelmed. I can't focus, right?

00:08:00:22 - 00:08:29:10

Dr. Ariana Hoet

My brain is foggy. I'm just not motivated. There's also a lot of interest in things like the things that typically seem fun just seem like too much work right now. I don't want to do it and difficulty making decisions. So as you can imagine, all of these things, kids are going to notice them. They're going to notice when their parents' behavior changes. Whether consciously or unconsciously, they will notice and they're going to respond to them.

00:08:29:12 - 00:08:51:12

Dr. Ariana Hoet

And so I want you to think about parents stress in a way that in the end, you as a parent, you're formed not just by yourself and what's going on in your home, but the outside world. Whether that's your job, current events, as we saw on there, that's all going to impact you. And as I mentioned, the way you show up, it's going to set the tone for your home.

00:08:51:12 - 00:09:12:13

Dr. Ariana Hoet

It's going to spill over to the children. If you're stressed, they're stressed. And, you know, I recently had a situation. Our school was closed because it was election day. So my six-year-old was home. I was working from home. I was not expecting that my two-year-old would get sick. And so he would be home too.

00:09:12:13 - 00:09:32:18

Dr. Ariana Hoet

And so as you guys can imagine, I was feeling stressed, I was feeling overwhelmed, and my six-year-old kept wanting my time, kept interrupting my workday, kept wanting to do things. And she got whiny and she started to yell at me. And I initially was very frustrated with her. And why is she behaving this way? Why is she interrupting my workday?

00:09:32:18 - 00:09:56:00

Dr. Ariana Hoet

I have so much to do. And so there was just this high stress environment. I had the realization like, wait a minute, I have control here. I can't just blame her for behaving that way. I'm the adult. So while I may not control the outside world, I couldn't control that the school was closed, that my son was sick, that I have a lot going on for May at work,

00:09:56:06 - 00:10:18:06

Dr. Ariana Hoet

I can control my choices in my behavior. So what I did in that moment is I paused for 20 minutes. I joined her. I played with whatever she was playing. We spent some time together and that was enough. And we'll talk more about that later. But that helped her behavior calm down so that then I felt less pressure for from her.

00:10:18:06 - 00:10:45:16

Dr. Ariana Hoet

I could focus on work and feel less stressed because I was getting things done. And so connection, the way we show up with our kids, is a stress management tool. And again, we'll talk more about this later. But what I really want you all to take away from this is that you set the tone. Parent stress can cause stress in the home, but parent calm can cause a calm home too.

00:10:45:18 - 00:11:11:00

Diane McGuire

Wonderful. Now we would like to hear from you again. Please enter into the chat one word that you would use if you could describe how you would like your home to ideally feel. I'm thinking about myself and a teenage daughter at home. I would love for our home to feel like a very safe space for her. Oh I see, peaceful, joyful, calm,

00:11:11:02 - 00:11:47:18

Diane McGuire

comforting. Oh, these are wonderful. Engaging. Oh, I like that one too. Fun. Yes, of course we want our homes to be fun. Loving. Supporting. These are some really great thoughts. Trusting. I really appreciate that, Ashley. So yeah, keep them coming. Happy. These are just really encouraging. Well, let's move on. Dr. Whitney, can you lead us off on why values are so important?

00:11:47:20 - 00:12:17:19

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

My camera is not wanting to come on right now, but that's okay. We'll get it working. It's important that we talk about these skills and what's important, because we wanted you to have those atmospheres that you just talked about wanting in your home. And so I think it's important to know that we can't remove all the stressors in our lives, but we can think about some small steps and making sure that we can do the things in our house to make them overall less stressful. And so in your, oh go ahead.

00:12:17:21 - 00:12:49:08

Dr. Ariana Hoet

No, I was going to add, I really hope that you all from today take away this idea of purposeful parenting, making choices with purpose, being more mindful. And I know that mindfulness for a lot of people, it's kind of lost its meaning. People picture mindfulness and think of meditation. But what mindfulness means is being aware, fully aware of your thoughts, your feelings, and your behaviors.

00:12:49:08 - 00:13:13:04

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Why am I acting this way? What's going on in my environment? And as you can imagine, if someone makes choices purposefully, if they're mindful, they're in a lot more control of their emotions and what's going on. And so Dr. Whitney is going to guide you through reflecting on what matters most to you, because that is the first step of mindfulness is what kind of life do I want to live? So then I can make choices based on those values.

00:13:13:05 - 00:13:42:20

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

Yes. Thank you so much for thinking about what's important to you is the first step. Because oftentimes when we're stressed, those things that are important can sometimes go lower in the list. I know for me, when I'm feeling really, really stressed, self-care goes down. Like I mentioned, one of the family values that, you know, we might have in my family is to be healthy.

00:13:42:22 - 00:14:01:09

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

But I know that when I'm stressed, drinking water, something as simple as that, can go way down on my list. I'm just not as good as taking care of myself. But when I know what I think is important and I value it, and I give it the time and resources. It's better alignment and I feel better overall and less stress.

00:14:01:09 - 00:14:21:03

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

So for example, I really value education. And so when I put time toward my son's education and I put the resources toward it, I feel good that I am working toward the things that I think are important, and I'm happy to put my time and energy toward it, and not to other things which I might not find important.

00:14:21:03 - 00:14:40:19

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And so part of the goal of this exercise is to really have all of you to start thinking about what you yourself find important, and using the questions that we have here to help get you or guide you there. So like, what kind of parent do you want to be and what future do you want for your children?

00:14:40:19 - 00:15:00:03

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And we know that we don't have enough time for you to fill all of this out and do the handout right now. But the goal is to start thinking about it. And then after today's webinar, spend some time working on thinking about these questions like, how do I want to spend my time? Because that allows you to when you're feeling stressed, to start prioritizing.

00:15:00:04 - 00:15:26:16

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

Okay, is this something that I find really important? Is it worth my time and my energy? But then we want to take it another step forward and also think about what your family as a whole thinks is important. I know that having a family come together and talk about these things gets everybody on the same page. It helps not only you know what you want to prioritize, but what do they also think is important.

00:15:26:16 - 00:15:46:17

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And then also it can help to sometimes alleviate disagreements or conflict when we all know when we're working toward the same objectives and the same goals. And so when you're working together with your family, I want you to be thinking about things like what things are important? What do you care about? What do you like doing as a family?

00:15:46:17 - 00:16:10:00

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And those types of questions can then lead you to setting some goals. So for instance, if one of your values is that you really want to spend time as a family together, then you might set a goal like we're going to have family movie night once a week or once every other week. Or something like that if you see that spending time with each other isn't happening and stress is getting in the way.

00:16:10:00 - 00:16:29:13

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

So the goal for this whole exercise is just thinking about what's important for me, my family and how can we make sure that we are actually doing and prioritizing those things. And so when doing them, I think it's important to know that it doesn't have to look any particular way. There's lots of different ways that this can be done.

00:16:29:13 - 00:16:52:24

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And so, for instance, it was just me and my husband because my three-year-old wasn't involved as along with this process. And we came up with five value statements such as striving to be healthy, constantly working on building our relationships with our media and extended family and how it is important. Just an example. And we did that because we're hoping that that's creating the balance that we want in our family. But it can totally look different like Dr. Ariana.

00:16:52:24 - 00:17:14:08

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Yeah. So for us, my six-year-old was involved because she is old enough. And I will tell you, I had a surprise benefit from doing this exercise because yes, it helps us understand what we value, what we care about, the family we want to be. But it also helped a lot with my parental guilt.

00:17:14:08 - 00:17:38:14

Dr. Ariana Hoet

And I know we haven't mentioned this yet, but a big part of what causes stress when it comes to parenting is our own selves, our expectations for ourselves, the guilt that we feel that we're not doing enough, that we're messing our kid up. Am I doing this right? And so doing our family values, you see here some of the things that jumped out at me that my six year old said is family movies, reading and playing together, dinner together.

00:17:38:19 - 00:18:01:07

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Those things are things we do almost every day. We read before bedtime. And so hearing her say, like this is what's important to me helped me feel like, wow, I am doing a good job. We don't have to be doing these big activities, these big trips, these big things. She is just happy reading every night. And that makes her feel connected and like we are there for each other.

00:18:01:07 - 00:18:09:24

Dr. Ariana Hoet

So a little surprise benefit of doing the activity together.

00:18:10:01 - 00:18:35:06

Diane McGuire

That's so great. Now I want to try working on my own family values. Maybe I'll do that this evening. So we really appreciate that. But I think it's time for us to talk a little bit more about what's causing us the most stress. And I think that's different for each of us, isn't it, Dr. Whitney?

00:18:35:06 - 00:18:56:19

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

Oh, totally. I think, as mentioned, we did the poll and all of you marked one that's causing you the most stress. But as was mentioned in the chat, many of these things can be causing us stress and it can change from day to day. And so we provided you with this download, which helps to think about how do we create less stress in our homes. And that can be different for all of us. But the goal is to first think about what resources you have.

00:18:56:20 - 00:19:23:12

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And when we think about resources, remember we're talking about time, different levels of support, your energy level. And it might be that your resources look different over the course of the day or during the week. But then thinking about what resources you have can help you, but then also thinking about what resources you need more of to accomplish something, or to maybe reduce the stress you're experiencing.

00:19:23:12 - 00:19:44:20

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And I think it's important to reflect on those, because sometimes when we're stressed, we just get lost into this cycle of I'm just stressed and you're just going through the motions. And sometimes there are ways that if we pause and take a second, we can actually do a few minor changes that can totally set a different tone just by changing 1 or 2 things.

00:19:44:20 - 00:20:12:13

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And so thinking about that, I actually tried to work on this myself, thinking about, you know, what resources I have. And so I wrote support from family and friends. And I'll be honest to say that as a new mom, it took me a while to learn that I could ask for help. Not that people were not welcoming or friendly, but it took me some time to realize that I could ask for help, and it didn't mean I wasn't being a good mom.

00:20:12:13 - 00:20:35:08

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

So I know that I have that level of support. But what I struggle with is time and energy. You know, I have a couple chronic illnesses, which makes me really tired, and I have this really great job, but it keeps me busy. And I have a three-year-old who's really energetic and full of energy, and sometimes it can be really stressful trying to fit everything in and managing it when I’m tired and I'm exhausted.

00:20:35:09 - 00:21:01:21

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And so one of the things that I really wanted to work on, make a simple goal on, is stretching. One of the things that comes with one of my illnesses is a lot of neck and back pain, and so I want to be that type of mom who's down on the floor and playing and doing all these types of things, and I hate when my back pain and my neck pain get in the way.

00:21:01:23 - 00:21:22:11

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

So I know that I need to be doing all these stretches that I've been given from my doctor and my physical therapist. But it's really, really hard to find time to do it when you have a very busy three-year-old. And so my goal is to stretch more in the week right now. But I'm going to be honest with you all and let you know that I really haven't been able to find time to do it. And I don't know if you all have had that experience happen, but it can be challenging to fit things in.

00:21:22:11 - 00:21:45:20

Diane McGuire

Yes, I'm sure we can all relate to struggling to find the time that we need in a week. We would love to hear your ideas for Dr. Whitney. Like how would you suggest she comes up with a plan to get stretching time in each week?

00:21:45:22 - 00:22:11:10

Diane McGuire

So go ahead and put your suggestions. If you have ideas in the chat, we would love to see them. Dr. Whitney might appreciate getting some extra feedback, but she went ahead and filled out step three of her less stress is best worksheet. Oh, schedule the time. Yes, that is a good recommendation, Ashley. Make it a game and involve the child.

00:22:11:11 - 00:22:30:05

Diane McGuire

Okay, that's, I love that too, Jennifer. Yes, put it in the calendar. All right, Dr. Whitney, why don't you share what you came up with as we get more and more ideas you could end up coming up with.

00:22:30:05 - 00:22:50:15

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

I know I'm reading these ideas, and I'll be honest, I'm like, maybe I might change my goal over time. But what I do is I initially came up with were getting up earlier, doing it right before bed or maybe during lunch. I was thinking that it would be hard to do it with a three-year-old, but I really love how someone put it in the chat that maybe incorporating it could be helpful. So the plan I made before this is to do it right before bed.

00:22:50:15 - 00:23:14:05

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

But I do appreciate so much of what's in the chat. I love this idea of incorporating it in family time and putting it on the calendar. Or things I actually hadn't thought of, but would really be really helpful for me to fit it in. So I really appreciate all of you all putting that in the chat, because I think you've actually really helped me think about my plan and to help me refine it.

00:23:14:07 - 00:23:41:05

Diane McGuire

That is so great. I feel like I now have enough to at least start on my stress plan later, but I really want us to get to the three key because you guys promised it would help calm my home and I so need that. So I would love to hear more about that Dr. Whitney.

00:23:41:07 - 00:24:12:19

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

Yes. So we picked the three C’s specifically because we know that these lay down a foundation for getting us the behaviors that we want. And so oftentimes I will hear from families like, “My child’s behavior is all over the place and I don't know what to do.” And so when they come to see me either in the therapy office or I'm giving a talk, I always start with these three C's, because I know that if we start here, we find a really good benefit for that child's behavior.

00:24:12:19 - 00:24:23:01

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

So we're going to be talking about connection, consistent rules and routines and consequences.

00:24:23:03 - 00:24:52:14

Dr. Ariana Hoet

So let's jump in into many connections. So one thing I really want everyone to think about is that one of the things that kids want the most from us, from the parents, from the caregivers, from adults, is attention. And so we know research shows that when we give children attention, and I will talk about the type of attention in a little bit, that changes their behavior significantly.

00:24:52:15 - 00:25:14:11

Dr. Ariana Hoet

And so one way to do that is through what's called intentional child time. And again, research finds that just 15 minutes a day of intentional child time significantly improves a child's behavior. So we know your stressed. We are not asking you to do hours a day of this. We are asking you for 15 minutes of your day to do this with your child.

00:25:14:11 - 00:25:33:22

Dr. Ariana Hoet

What it is, is, first of all, you let your child lead. You let them choose. So in your downloads and you see here in the chat, we have the quality time builder as a way to to give your child options like, what is something you want to do together? Let them choose from these options and then it's not so much what you're doing that matters.

00:25:33:22 - 00:25:54:03

Dr. Ariana Hoet

You truly could be doing anything. It's how you're doing it. You want to make this moment about the child. You want to make them feel seen and attended to, and you want to make them feel good and happy to be spending that time with you. So start with praising, providing encouragement, also doing this thing of observing what they're doing and commenting it.

00:25:54:04 - 00:26:11:16

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Think of a sports narrator. So when you're watching a soccer game, you hear the narrator saying exactly what the player is doing. He's running down the field. He's kicking the ball. You want to do that with your child. I see that you're putting the blue block on top of the green block, and then you praise: that looks really great.

00:26:11:17 - 00:26:35:21

Dr. Ariana Hoet

If you have an older child, maybe you're doing crafts together. Like, wow, I really love that you chose that pink for that flower you're coloring. That was a beautiful color. And so you're describing, you're praising, you're giving them all your attention. And it may feel weird. It's not how we typically interact as humans, but that narrating helps your child feel like, hey, my parent has their full attention on me.

00:26:35:21 - 00:26:59:03

Dr. Ariana Hoet

And then you want to avoid asking too many questions and you want to avoid giving too much direction. So again, this is about them. They can play however they want, they can make art however they want. They can do the activity however they want. You just want to let them lead and not attack them with questions, redirections.

00:26:59:03 - 00:27:15:22

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Your parenting time, your lesson time can be at another moment. You can teach them things and redirect them at another time. As long as they're doing nothing harmful. It's really about letting them just feel good and seen and have fun with you.

00:27:15:24 - 00:27:35:03

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And then the next C, the consistent rules and routines. I don't know about you, but my child loves to do the same thing over and over again. And I find that with most kids, they like to know what to expect. And so that's what rules and routines can do. It allows them to feel safe and they know what's going to be happening, what we expect for them to do.

00:27:35:09 - 00:27:58:03

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And it can be really, really helpful in decreasing those power struggles that we might have. And so when you think about what types of routines that can be really helpful, for instance, you know, in my house, I found that it's really helpful to have a nighttime routine. So he knows that we're going to read a story, brush teeth, sing a song, go to bed.

00:27:58:07 - 00:28:23:21

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

But it also involves everybody in the house getting their clothes ready for the next day. And how does that help? Well, in the morning, for our morning routine, the clothes are already ready and set for us. So sometimes just having routines, kids really love them, but it can really make it so that the day or what's going when you're really, really stressed, the day can still kind of go as it needs to go because everyone knows what to expect.

00:28:23:22 - 00:28:46:04

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

I also think it's important to talk about rules and having family rules, because you want your kids to know what behaviors you expect to happen within your family. So, for instance, if you expect that there is not going to be any hitting or harming or destroying property, you might have a rule something like “we keep our hands and our feet to ourselves.”

00:28:46:06 - 00:29:09:00

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

We are kind to each other and say nice things. But having rules or I put away something when I'm done playing with it. Having these types of rules can be really helpful in reducing us having to do a whole bunch of correction all the time. But overall, it can build connection because there's less stress that's happening in the home when we have these routines and rules.

00:29:09:00 - 00:29:34:11

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

So as a part of the downloads, we've given you ways to do different types of schedules for your home. And we've not only given you one for younger kids, but also for older kids as well. And so hopefully, you will see the advantages of having a routine. But I also want you to think that sometimes you might have a routine and you're finding, hey, things are still kind of stressful and sometimes we have to tweak them over time and that's totally normal.

00:29:34:16 - 00:29:44:07

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

But I would say once you have a good routine in place, it can truly help to reduce stress.

00:29:44:09 - 00:30:03:15

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Yes. I mean, I will say, and I know Dr. Whitney would say the same. Oftentimes in therapy, no matter what the presenting concern is, why someone is coming to us, we start with routines. And I see here in the chat people are saying, yeah, my kids expect the routine and when it's not what we usually do, it throws them off.

00:30:03:15 - 00:30:25:22

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Or they may even call out, hey, you're on your phone too much, right? And so kids notice that and kids notice the first see the connection. When you're not connecting they're going to notice. So our third C is consequences. And I know for many of us, when we hear the word consequence, we think of punishment. We think, okay, the child did something and there's this punishment for their consequence.

00:30:25:22 - 00:30:48:11

Dr. Ariana Hoet

But the way we talk about consequences in psychology and behavior management is a little bit different. What we talk about as the consequence is just the consequence to the child's behavior. So what you do, your response to them. And what I really want you all to know is that your response to a child's behavior is either going to reinforce that behavior.

00:30:48:11 - 00:31:16:00

Dr. Ariana Hoet

It's going to make that child keep doing that behavior more and more, or it's going to discourage the behavior. The hard part for us parents is that sometimes we think we are responding in a way that is discouraging the behavior. And it's actually reinforcing. So, for example, think about your child, you're on the phone, you're trying to have a conversation and your child is trying to get your attention, right?

00:31:16:01 - 00:31:31:23

Dr. Ariana Hoet

And they keep insisting, they keep insisting. And you finally turn to them and you yell at them, “I'm talking, stop interrupting me.” So for some of us, we may think, okay, that's discouraging the behavior. I just yelled at them. I told them to stop. But remember I told you earlier that what kids want more than anything is attention.

00:31:31:23 - 00:31:57:22

Dr. Ariana Hoet

So by giving them attention, even though it's yelling, you are giving them attention. For some kids, that can be reinforcing. So Dr. Whitney is going to talk to you all through what we call the positive consequences, so the ones that get kids to do more of a behavior. And then she's going to talk through the negative consequences, the consequences that get kids to do less of a behavior.

00:31:57:24 - 00:32:21:17

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

So let's first talk about getting more of the behaviors we want. So first we have to focus on what we see and be specific. This is when we're talking about giving praise. So that might be saying keep your hands and feet to yourself. And then when you see it you could say, I love how you're walking and I love how you're sitting, or I love how you are sharing with your sister.

00:32:21:18 - 00:32:44:16

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

All of those ways are specifically mentioning the behaviors you like and you want to see them do again. And we often call it “catching them being good.” And the reason why we say catching them being good is because it's very easy to know when our kids are doing things we don't like because it's annoying or it's embarrassing, but sometimes we can miss when they're doing the good stuff.

00:32:44:16 - 00:33:07:01

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And so that good stuff, we actually want them to keep up. And so that's when we want to make sure we're intentional about telling them, oh, I really like how you're using your quiet voice or your walking feet. By acknowledging them, it's more likely that they're going to do the behavior again. And sometimes kids have harder behaviors that they need to work on.

00:33:07:01 - 00:33:28:19

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And so sometimes it might be putting in like a token system or a sticker chart or giving them some type of reward for that behavior. For instance, I have a three-year-old, we are working on potty training, and one of the things we might start implementing soon is a sticker chart. Or it might be a chore chart or something where they can earn things over time by doing those behaviors.

00:33:28:19 - 00:33:52:19

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

We want to see more, but they meet need some more incentive or help to help get to that behavior. And then one really cool consequence that I don't use enough, but I think I should is sometimes we can remove something that they don't like. So for instance, let's say they've done something you really, really like and you might say, you know what I just heard you offering to share with your sister.

00:33:52:19 - 00:34:09:23

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

I really think that's amazing, especially if sharing's been hard for them. You know what? I don't think you have to do this tonight. You don't have to empty the dishwasher because I really liked what you did. So all of these are just different examples of getting the behaviors, the positive behaviors, the behaviors that you want to see more, happen.

00:34:09:23 - 00:34:29:21

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

But then we know that there's behaviors that we don't want to have happen anymore, that we want to stop them from doing. And so here are some examples of ways for us to get behaviors to stop happening. One is obviously verbal correction, which I think we're all familiar with, right? We tell our kids what we don't want them to do.

00:34:29:21 - 00:34:57:24

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

So stop throwing your toys, which I think is simple enough, but one that is not as simple is something we call active ignoring. Essentially, it is not giving attention to your child while they're doing the behavior that you don't want. And oftentimes that is really effective for those like annoying, whining types of behaviors. But the hard part is not actually paying attention to it.

00:34:58:03 - 00:35:25:19

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

Not giving facial expressions, not looking at them, totally ignoring them. But it works if you stay true to the act of ignoring. Another strategy that I think many of us think about is removing privileges that could be taking away something. So that might be taking away a toy or a privilege such as being on a device. But it's removing something that they want because they've done a behavior that you don't want to see again.

00:35:25:24 - 00:35:51:15

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And then we also talk a little bit about timeout. And timeout really is just a very large active ignoring in which they are taken away from things that reinforce them and ask to take a moment away from those things because they have disobeyed or not followed a family rule. So I think it's important to think about behaviors in the sense of, do I want the behavior: yes or no?

00:35:51:15 - 00:36:13:20

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And then how do I respond? So consequences, as Dr. Ariana mentioned, are really how we respond, and thinking about if we want the behavior that we see more or less. And so hopefully this walkthrough gives you a little bit more of some ideas on how to respond to the behaviors that you see in your children.

00:36:13:22 - 00:36:46:21

Diane McGuire

All right. We've got another poll question for you. Which of the three C’s. So we've got connection. We've got consequences, both positive and negative. And we have the consistent rules and routines. Which one do you think will help you the most? And I'm sorry that you can only pick one. I feel like I want to pick all three.

00:36:46:23 - 00:37:06:14

Diane McGuire

We'll give you just another moment on that poll.

00:37:06:16 - 00:37:29:08

Diane McGuire

All right. It looks like connection and consistent rules and routines are tied in first place. Those are both really great. Well, we want to move on to our Q&A portion. You should see a Q&A button at the bottom of your screen. You can use that to submit questions. We're probably not going to get to all the questions.

00:37:29:08 - 00:37:57:18

Diane McGuire

We certainly will do our best. So go ahead and enter your questions. We'll start with this one from Elena. “So much of what causes me stress feels out of my control. How do I apply your resources to big stressors?” Who wants to take that? It's an excellent question.

00:37:57:19 - 00:38:18:20

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

I can take that one. You know, I think we have to know what things we have control over and what we don't have control over. And sometimes when we don't have control over it, the hard part is accepting that, but then really trying to focus on the things that we do have control over. And so the resources we've given today helps you think through with the things that you do have control over. How can you break down or make those steps manageable in the things you can control?

00:38:18:22 - 00:38:53:18

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And so yes, some of those bigger stressors sometimes need to be broken down to little pieces. And for you to be kind to yourself and to think about what you're doing. Well, because I think sometimes when we have big stressors, we beat ourselves up. We're not kind, but I think it is giving ourselves grace and then just focusing on the things that we do have control over and trying to make small goals with those things and making sure it's based on the values that we have, like we talked about earlier today.

00:38:53:20 - 00:39:19:06

Diane McGuire

Thanks. That's great. Here's a question from Kristen, “what are ways to not let my stress change how I interact with my family?” I feel that one. Thanks, Kristen.

00:39:19:08 - 00:39:39:23

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Yeah, I can jump in for that one. I think that one is really important for me because I constantly forget, right? We are go go go go. The busier you are, the more stressed you are. And then you don't notice how that behavior is coming into the house. And so that's why I mentioned to you all the purposeful parenting idea earlier is because there are times where I have to stop and, oh my gosh, my kids have been misbehaving so much, they're being just so oppositional. And then I realized, oh, I'm causing that, right.

00:39:39:23 - 00:40:08:21

Dr. Ariana Hoet

And I'm the one bringing that energy into the home. And so I have to just constantly be checking in when the home doesn't feel right. What is it? And most of the time it is us, the adults. And so finding time to take care of myself, wind down, but also just create a home environment. I love that someone said happy earlier and calm and joyful because for me, the home environment, I want to create a place that we can run away to and recharge in.

00:40:08:23 - 00:40:16:17

Dr. Ariana Hoet

And because we can't control what's out there.

00:40:16:19 - 00:40:48:21

Diane McGuire

Great. Brienne asked, “what should I do when my kids aren't listening and it's making me more stressed?” I think we can all relate to that Brienne.

00:40:48:21 - 00:41:10:13

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

Yes, I'm happy to take this one too. Just to think about sometimes it's really good to have those routines and those rules in place, but I think it's one thing that's important is to stay calm, because sometimes we're not calm and we're getting escalated and they can just start to just misbehave more. But too, I think it's really important that they know that we mean what we say sometimes. What ends up happening and why kids aren't listening is because they find that sometimes we give them instructions and then they don't do it, and then we let them pass. And we keep letting that happen over and over. And they kind of learn like, oh, well, I don't really have to do what mom says or dad says.

00:41:10:14 - 00:41:38:15

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And so one of the best ways to get kids to listen is to make sure that when we put certain consequences in place, that we're really consistent about what we say and how we say it and making sure that we follow through. Because when they know that you are for sure going to take that toy away if they do this thing or they're going to lose a privilege or something like that, and they know it's consistently going to happen, the more likely they are to listen over time.

00:41:38:17 - 00:41:56:12

Diane McGuire

Great. Well, we have lots of questions coming in. All right. “My four-year-old asks a lot if I like what they're doing. I was told to ask him if he likes what he's doing, or should I just tell him how I feel about it?” Does anybody have... Dr. Ariana? Do you want to take that one?

00:41:56:13 - 00:42:17:19

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Yeah, I have some thoughts. And I'm actually curious to hear Dr. Whitney's thoughts too because I think one cause we haven't touched on this. A big reason for parents feeling stressed about their parenting is how much we here on social media: do this, don't do that. And we overthink every little thing and we're like, oh my gosh, if I tell my kid that I like what they're doing, I'm ruining them, right?

00:42:17:20 - 00:42:41:04

Dr. Ariana Hoet

And and I have definitely seen this, Mary. I've seen this advice. I, I don't know any research that says there is any harm to telling your child that you're proud of them, that you like what they're doing. This advice is coming from the idea that we want kids to also have pride in their own work and feel good about themselves, but I think you can do both.

00:42:41:04 - 00:43:02:10

Dr. Ariana Hoet

It's okay to tell your kid I'm proud of you. I love it, and it'll also depend on the child. If you have a child that's very wanting to please everyone, then maybe you want to be more aware and help them be proud of their own self and their own work. But I don't think that there's any harm in you telling your child, hey, I'm proud of you and I like how you're doing that.

00:43:02:12 - 00:43:28:05

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

I totally agree, and I think sometimes they want our attention, and this is just one of the ways in which they get our attention is by getting our feedback on certain things. And so I think, as Dr. Arianna mentioned, I think it's really both ways in which you can interact. And it definitely will depend on the child, but I don't think there's any harm for actually sharing with them what you like.

00:43:28:07 - 00:43:42:14

Diane McGuire

Thank you. We have a great question. This one would be good for either of you. Do you have advice on how to help toddlers like, 2- or 3-year-olds, work on resilience?

00:43:42:16 - 00:44:04:12

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

I was going to say I think, one, being a positive, connected adult helps them be resilient. And then two, this is the time, like three-year-olds are working on their little independence. Like I hear my child say to me all the time, I do it, I do it. And part of it is that they're learning how to do things, and sometimes they're not going to do it well.

00:44:04:13 - 00:44:25:01

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

They might fail a little bit at the task, or they might need to do it again. And it's okay for them to have challenges and to learn how to deal with those things over time. And so I'm not saying you just have them fail everything, but I do think it's okay for them to learn that, yes, you wanted to pour the milk yourself and you pour too much and now it's spilling over a little bit.

00:44:25:01 - 00:44:52:09

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

But you learn now, okay, I have to really watch how I'm pouring it. Or my need to ask or let mama help me a little bit more this time. And so sometimes what's helping to be resilient is one having that connection with them, but I think two learning to help them as they want little bits of independence, having them sometimes not get it correct or need help and help themselves figure it out with our support.

00:44:52:11 - 00:45:18:18

Diane McGuire

Thank you. That's great. Oh, here's a great question from Ashley. “How do you help a child like a tween manage anxiety when you have anxiety yourself? How do you keep everyone's worries calmed down?”

00:45:18:20 - 00:45:35:06

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Yeah, that's a wonderful question because sometimes our kids’ mood and behaviors can be really upsetting to us too. Parents have their own mental health. We also know a lot of it can be genetic. And so we hear this all the time, you know, oh, my kid has ADHD. Me too. My kid has anxiety. Me too. And so I think the fact that you're even thinking about it is the great first step, right? How is my 11-year-old's anxiety impacting my anxiety?

00:45:35:06 - 00:45:59:15

Dr. Ariana Hoet

And we know one of the best things that that you can do is have that awareness and not let your anxiety spill over to them. It's okay to validate and share. Yeah, I have worries too. I feel anxious too. Sometimes that's okay. But think about when am I keeping them from doing something because it's my anxiety versus theirs. And that's where the balance is. And I don't know if you have something else to add there, Whitney.

00:45:59:16 - 00:46:24:18

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

I was going to just add, like, we know that one of the best ways to help manage anxiety is to actually go toward the things that make you anxious to face your fears. And so sometimes the key would be, even when we feel anxious about it, we don't want them to think they can't do something.

00:46:24:20 - 00:46:44:01

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And it would be encouraging them. For instance, I'm just I have, you know, sometimes kids need to do something in front of people like read or present something. And instead of being like, oh my gosh, it is really nerve wracking and worry like we do, we can say it is going to maybe cause you some anxiety, but you can do it, right?

00:46:44:05 - 00:47:03:15

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

I think you can do it. It's making sure that they know and helping them build steps to conquer that anxiety. That can be really, really helpful because we know we all have anxiety to some degree, but the goal is to not let it get in the way of the things we really want to do.

00:47:03:17 - 00:47:28:04

Diane McGuire

Thank you both. That's great. This one, I think Dr. Ariana, is going to be close to your heart. Someone wrote in, “I'm coming from a different culture. I came to the U.S. after marriage, but my kids were born here and sometimes I or they don't understand each other's communication cues. Do you have any advice for that?”

00:47:28:04 - 00:47:55:03

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Yeah, this is very common. So much so that there's a term for it in in the literature and the research. It's called the acculturation gap. It's when your kids may be born in a country that you weren't born in, and you have different cultures, different ways and approaching conversations and just your decision making. And so it's an added layer to figuring out how to connect. It means you're having to spend extra time understanding each other. And I think that's where conversations are really important.

00:47:55:04 - 00:48:21:11

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Build the habit of having a conversation every day, doesn't have to be serious conversations, just about getting to know your child's experience, why they want to do certain things, how they're treated at school, why they may have certain fears or nerves about something, and then be very open about your place and where you come from and and why you're making certain rules or choices.

00:48:21:11 - 00:48:46:17

Dr. Ariana Hoet

And we know that when kids find the balance between building the cultural pride of your home country, helping them understand and feel proud of where you're from, while also feeling like they can be understood in this culture and interact in this culture. That's when they're going to be their best in their mental health. But it does take a little bit of extra work, and I feel you and I'm living it.

00:48:46:17 - 00:48:55:08

Dr. Ariana Hoet

And so I would say start with a building understanding of each other.

00:48:55:10 - 00:49:24:11

Diane McGuire

Great. Thank you. We got several questions that are kind of similar. So I'm going to try to combine them. Several people asked how do you handle the three C’s when maybe the parents parent differently? Maybe one parent is more connected, or maybe there's co-parenting where they're going between two different households that parent very differently. How? Or even with extended family, with grandparents and that kind of thing. How do you manage this when there's multiple voices and they don't all necessarily agree?

00:49:24:12 - 00:49:47:15

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

That's such a hard question. But I think one is sometimes you have to know that you only have control over yourself. And so sometimes I think it's important that we can share with others what we're doing and why we're doing, especially if it's working.

00:49:47:17 - 00:50:04:15

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And so that's when I tend to say like, that's what you should share. Oh, I notice that when I do this we're getting more of the behaviors we want that tends to go well versus you're doing it wrong or I don't like how you're not get enough time. So the goal is really sharing what's working and why you're using it.

00:50:04:17 - 00:50:29:22

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

But it is also understanding. Like for instance, some people are just better at certain things than others. And so sometimes you have to acknowledge those strengths. And sometimes working as a team can then think about working within each other. This one is really good at holding the structure and the consistency. Leaning on each other and each other's strengths can be really, really helpful in that part.

00:50:29:24 - 00:50:51:18

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

But I do think it's important to be clear and share with others what you're doing and why. Because I think even though they may not decide to totally do what you're doing, giving them a rationale often will help them, at least buy in a little bit more. What do you think, Ariana, any...

00:50:51:19 - 00:51:17:11

Dr. Ariana Hoet

I agree, and I just first want to validate. It's really hard as you said Dr. Whitney. It’s hard to navigate whether it’s another home and a partner, grandparents. And then I also want to say it matters. It does. Consistency matters. And because I really want you all to feel less stressed walking out of today, I want to remind you that having one safe adult can be enough for a kid.

00:51:17:11 - 00:51:32:06

Dr. Ariana Hoet

So you can be that safe adult. You can help control what you can control. Yes, do everything that Dr. Whitney said to try and make a better environment outside your home. But you can be enough for your kid.

00:51:32:08 - 00:51:41:11

Diane McGuire

Thank you so much. I think that's all the time that we have for questions. Do you guys want to wrap this up?

00:51:41:13 - 00:51:51:05

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Yeah, let's do it.

00:51:51:07 - 00:52:02:21

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

So it's normal to feel stress as a parent. I think we've shared our own experiences, too. And there are things that you can do to reduce stress.

00:52:02:23 - 00:52:26:14

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Really want you to think away or walk away of thinking of what matters the most to you. You know, we've seen here, Ashley, thank you for sharing. You walked away from social media. We are getting bombarded with this is what's best for your child, and so put your time and energy into what you care about for your home, for your child.

00:52:26:16 - 00:52:47:03

Dr. Whitney Raglin Bignall

And come up with a plan. Or try one thing to reduce your stress. If it didn't work, it's okay. Keep trying. I think it's important to know that we all are going to feel stressed at some point, but little things can help, and so making plans and trying them out can be really, really helpful.

00:52:47:05 - 00:53:04:15

Dr. Ariana Hoet

And then again, we don't want to stress you out more today. So we gave you a lot to think about, a lot of new tools hopefully that you find helpful. Don't feel pressured to just, oh my gosh I have to change everything today. Pick one thing. Pick the pick the one C that you like the most or that's most important to you.

00:53:04:15 - 00:53:27:00

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Start there, build it up in your home and focus on bringing calm, bringing joy, bringing whatever that value is for you.

00:53:27:00 - 00:53:52:04

Diane McGuire

Yes, and please use the handout packets that we provided to remind yourself of what you'd like to try, what you might like to discuss with your family. That's why you have those. Hopefully you find them very helpful. And thanks again to our generous corporate partners for making today's webinar possible. When you close Zoom, there's going to be a link to a short survey. We would love, love, love, please, please fill out the survey. It's only a few questions, but it's really going to help us get feedback because this is our first webinar and we will be sending out the slides tomorrow to the email that you used when you registered.

00:53:52:04 - 00:54:18:22

Diane McGuire

So you can look for those if you need any reinforcement of some of these points. And of course you can also sign up for our newsletter. We send that out weekly or you can follow us on Instagram. So we so appreciate it. Thank you so much. Katie has included the links to our website to get that newsletter. And thank you so much. Have a wonderful day everybody.

00:54:18:24 - 00:54:22:12

Dr. Ariana Hoet

Thanks for being here.